Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Instant Replay

So I am attempting to re-enroll in the treatment program I attended for six months about a year and a half ago at St. Joseph's Hospital in Orange. I already quit my job and am arranging my school schedule so I can fit it in. A lot of people would say this is the wrong way to go about it...A friend of mine recently gave me the advice that:

"I think you should go balls out if you go back. I mean treatment treatment treatment until there's nothing left to cure. :-)" (Note that I actually think this is solid advice and I am not maligning the advice-giver in any way!)

And when I went to my first Eating Disorders Anonymous group meeting (which I will never go back to), I was advised to basically drop everything and go inpatient, because:

(In response to me saying I need the structure of school) "You need recovery, too" *patronizing smile*

But I'm thinking that dropping everything and going inpatient isn't the way for me to go. I mean, it would be great to be completely cut off from ED symptoms for an extended period of time, but I think giving up my life would be more triggering than helpful.

I need some normalcy. I need to keep my life going. If I stop my life, then hasn't the ED won in a way?

If I stay in school and do Intense Outpatient and still see my friends and walk my dog and buy groceries and do chores and manage to recover, isn't that just as powerful, if not more so, than dropping everything and running off to Renfrew?

I'm not knocking Inpatient Treatment. I know it works wonders. But I don't want it.

I'm not building my recovery around my life. I'm not building my life around my ED. I'm building my life around my recovery. I'm maintaining some modicum of normalcy.

But goddamn do I want the structure again. Cross your fingers...insurance may not authorize me to go back.

In case any of you are interested in what a typical week of Intensive Outpatient treatment looks like, here you go:


St. Joe's program is a bit more intensive than that (M-F 9:30-3:30 with A LOT of talk therapy), but you get the picture.

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