Tuesday, January 19, 2010

recovery

I have finally broken my record of "longest amount of time gone without acting on my ED." Previously, it had been 14 days, and that was in November of '08.

As of now, I have gone 16 days without binging and purging or restricting, ie acting out my disorder.

16 days. And I'm not showing any signs of regressing, either.



This is a major accomplishment for me. Even though I have been very strong in my recovery, over the past year and a half it has been difficult to even go one day without binging/purging or restricting. And now I have gone more than two weeks.

I wish I could relay to you how massive this is. And how elated I feel. My body feels so good and my mind feels at ease. I can feel my eating disorder's grip on my mind slowly losing its strength. That is a very good feeling.




Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was at home, worrying about the potential health affects of my ED. I began pondering the dentist appointment I will have to make soon and reached up to feel my teeth, which felt suspiciously loose. One by one, I began to pull my teeth out. Not forcibly, but because they were so loose due to acid damage from my ED. Freaking out, I kept trying to tell my family and Chris and everyone around me how I needed to go to the dentist RIGHT NOW. I was crying and my teeth just kept getting looser and looser and it seemed like no one was as concerned as I.




Now, my teeth are a major concern IRL because EDs do tend to affect the teeth, gums, etc., so it would make sense for me to dream about an issue plaguing me during waking hours. However, I can't help but read deeper into this one. Its commonly said that losing teeth in dreams signifies growing or maturing. Therefore, maybe it isn't just a coincidence that I had this dream now, during a time of what I consider immense personal growth and progression through my recovery. The fact that I seemed to be overreacting in the dream while everyone else remained unconcerned shows that the people in my life are confident in my ability to recover, while there is still a part of me afraid to give it up.

but I'm ready for this part of my life to be over. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to eat ice cream with abandon.




recovery can be VERY sweet :)