Sunday, July 11, 2010

Copying my sister

So my sister Carly is doing this thing and I keep reading her posts and its pretty cool...and honestly, I see it as having a lot of healing properties. For 30 days, you write on these topics:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

I believe that honesty and openness (and being unashamed about it) are important qualities in maintaining mental health. After all, AA taught us that "you're only as sick as your secrets."

Therefore, because I'm trying to perfect the art of good mental health, I have decided to join her in this project starting now:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Woah, we're just jumping right into Hate, as everyone says, is a pretty strong word and though its easy for me in conversation to come up with a million silly little things I can say I "hate" about myself, its a lot tougher when you actually have to think about the word and its actual meaning.

I'm working on accepting myself, flaws included. The ED voice in my head for so many years told me many things to focus on hating about myself, and I'm not going to revisit any of those things because ED is just plain wrong. So, from a healthier standpoint, something about myself I can say I hate at times (but try not to beat myself up for) is how much of a perfectionist I can be.

What I truly hate about the perfectionist in me is how I constantly compare myself to other people, be it looks, performance, conversational ability, dancing, laughing, etc. And the silliest thing about it is that because of my perfectionism, I always come out the loser in my comparisons because the only way to "win" against someone else is to be perfect. And, now we know, perfection isn't exactly attainable. So when I engage in comparisons, I'm fighting a losing battle that ultimately serves to make me feel bad about myself.

I'm working on not comparing myself to other people any more. I'm learning that one can actually exist and be happy and good without having to "live up" to anything. Other people can go do and be good, and I can go do and be good, and ultimately, they have no impact on one another. Your "perfection" does not strengthen or weaken my "perfection."

So, I'm trying to change the thing I "hate" about myself (which is really something that ED implanted in my brain), and I'm much more healthier for it.

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