100 Days

I have reached a new milestone:

I have been binge/purge & restriction free for over 100 days.

Elation ensues :)

This is what I feel like

This was my ultimate goal while I have been counting days, and now that I have reached it, I am going to stop counting.

Recovery has obviously become ingrained in my life; each new day free of symptoms is no longer abnormal. I don't have those compulsions anymore.

I have stopped going to the program at St. Joe's as the treatment team felt that I was far enough and strong enough in my recovery to do this on my own.

I think I'm proving them right.

100 days...that's pretty damn good.

My sister made me a pretty necklace and said that it was like my AA chip, but for ED (since we don't get chips. I know, lame, right?)

I don't get one of these...

I don't think I can fully convey just how much of an accomplishment this is...the compulsions to do my ED feel completely gone. That was the hardest part. Honestly, I was never sure I would get to this point. Six months ago, I would have been satisfied with partial recovery. I would have settled for acting on my ED only once a day. At this point, I can taste (pun intended) actual recovery.

I think I'm going to be a success story.



PS Go to my sister's etsy to see the beautiful jewelery she makes. I am one of her models :)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/lovelyandamazing

fine art

i've decided to stop wasting my time with modern day high fashion images. i don't like 'em and they fuck with my head. PLUS, the emaciated image of the female figure is such a blip on the radar of female beauty throughout history. This image is fleeting and inconsequential.

SO

i'm sticking to fine art that depicts the female form through the concept of beauty that has dominated most of history.


the female figure is so naturally beautiful. we don't have to keep tampering with it.

Christina Hendricks

Can we all just take a moment to admire the beauty that is Christina Hendricks (star of TCM's "Mad Men")?

Yes, we can.



Christina Hendricks is another example of a woman actively and successfully working in the entertainment industry who is considered beautiful without conforming to the "typical Hollywood standard." She is pale, red-headed, and voluptuous as all hell. I think she is gorgeous, and her confidence in her body and self is apparent when you look in her eyes. Her beauty definitely comes from within.


Oh, and on a side-note, I leafed through ChrisCarlson's copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue today and was taken aback by the amount of photoshopping done to the models, especially in comparison to fashion mags: shockingly, THE WOMEN WERE NOT PHOTOSHOPPED BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION! These women, who are, in a way, representing the pinnacle of female beauty (to men, generally) do not need to be perfected. They are already perfect.

Bodies are beautiful just as they are.

inspiration

Today, a woman told me I am an inspiration to her. That she appreciates my help and input. That I look happy.

And then I realized, I am happy.

I have gone 36 days without purging. This doesn't mean I haven't acted on my ED in small ways, but I haven't done the behavior that hurts by body, my weight, and my mind the most. Honestly, I think I am going to stop counting days off and just enjoy the extended normalcy. I like having a number, but it makes this streak too abnormal and special; it IS special, but I want it to feel normal. I have spent that last 3 years allowing ED to feel normal, and it's time for a change.

It's an amazing compliment to be called an inspiration. Its an amazing experience. And, in truth, she's not exactly the first. During my recent recovery, I have received many wonderful messages of support, and I thank those of you who've expressed care. You know who you are :)


I have a question for all of you-who do you look towards for inspiration? What do you consider inspirational? Sometimes, its important to have figures to look at when we need a little help, and I want to know what helps you.

Wow, what a cheesy blog. But sometimes, cheese is good :) Those warm fuzzies fill a space in your body food can never get to, know matter how hard we try to fill it with cookies and ice cream.


36 days and I'm still going strong.

recovery

I have finally broken my record of "longest amount of time gone without acting on my ED." Previously, it had been 14 days, and that was in November of '08.

As of now, I have gone 16 days without binging and purging or restricting, ie acting out my disorder.

16 days. And I'm not showing any signs of regressing, either.



This is a major accomplishment for me. Even though I have been very strong in my recovery, over the past year and a half it has been difficult to even go one day without binging/purging or restricting. And now I have gone more than two weeks.

I wish I could relay to you how massive this is. And how elated I feel. My body feels so good and my mind feels at ease. I can feel my eating disorder's grip on my mind slowly losing its strength. That is a very good feeling.




Last night I had a bizarre dream. I was at home, worrying about the potential health affects of my ED. I began pondering the dentist appointment I will have to make soon and reached up to feel my teeth, which felt suspiciously loose. One by one, I began to pull my teeth out. Not forcibly, but because they were so loose due to acid damage from my ED. Freaking out, I kept trying to tell my family and Chris and everyone around me how I needed to go to the dentist RIGHT NOW. I was crying and my teeth just kept getting looser and looser and it seemed like no one was as concerned as I.




Now, my teeth are a major concern IRL because EDs do tend to affect the teeth, gums, etc., so it would make sense for me to dream about an issue plaguing me during waking hours. However, I can't help but read deeper into this one. Its commonly said that losing teeth in dreams signifies growing or maturing. Therefore, maybe it isn't just a coincidence that I had this dream now, during a time of what I consider immense personal growth and progression through my recovery. The fact that I seemed to be overreacting in the dream while everyone else remained unconcerned shows that the people in my life are confident in my ability to recover, while there is still a part of me afraid to give it up.

but I'm ready for this part of my life to be over. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to eat ice cream with abandon.




recovery can be VERY sweet :)

Sophia

"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical."

-Sophia Loren

My dietitian, Laura, always stresses how important it is for people to admire celebrities that are similar to themselves. She asserts that it is human nature to like ourselves, and that when we fawn over celebrities whose beauty is different than our own, we can stifle that natural liking. It is important to see the beauty in what we have, and that is how celebrities can be helpful: they reaffirm what we already find beautiful in ourselves.

Now, I'm DEFINITELY not going so far as to say I think I look like Sophia Loren (though I THINK she and I have similar measurements...hmmm....), but I have always felt a certain connection to the female stars and pin-ups of the 50s, 60s and even 70s. For the most part, these women (Sophia Loren, Marylin Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Bettie Page, etc), while still certainly small people, were far more voluptuous/curvaceous/Amazonian than a lot of the celebrities we see today. They look like real women who know how to exploit their god-given attributes (and don't starve themselves to do so).

I can look at images of these women and not get down on myself...while their beauty is certainly as unattainable as the photoshopped images plastering the pages of People, I can appreciate the beauty and femininity of my own curves.

In a lot of ways, Sophia Loren is a pretty positive role model in the field of body-image. While she got ridiculously lucky in the looks department, so much of her sex appeal came from her confidence and her own belief she was beautiful. I like that.

And you can tell she didn't force her body to do something it wasn't supposed to just to achieve someone else's 'standard.'


"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful."



"Being beautiful can never hurt, but you have to have more. You have to sparkle, you have to be fun, you have to make your brain work if you have one."

"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti."



"I think the quality of sexiness comes from within. It is something that is in you or it isn't and it really doesn't have much to do with breasts or thighs or the pout of your lips."

"If you haven't cried, your eyes can't be beautiful."



"My philosophy is that it's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe and not to explore at all."

(All quotes by Sophia Loren)

PS

I HAVE SO MUCH FOOD INSIDE OF ME ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.













But perhaps it should stay there...?